I just had my 39th birthday and was greeted by a birthday card from my estranged mother. I have gone to great lengths to break all ties with her, including changing my phone numbers in two countries, blocking her on social media, and relocating — at great expense — from my mortgage-free home in the country to an expensive renovation in a different town, all so that she would not be able to find me. I won’t go into too many details, but she failed to protect me from abuse when I was young and shamed me when I told her about it. She also slut-shamed my sisters when they made similar revelations to her.
I moved again six months ago, and I kept my new address hidden from all my family. However, when my sister, “Joan,” asked for my address I gave it to her on with the explicit understanding that she was not to share it, EVER. She agreed and I trusted her completely, yet the card from mom was posted the same day. I phoned Joan in a rage and she admitted giving it to my 14-year-old niece who lives with my mom. Mom altered her writing on the envelope to make it look like it came from a child, maybe to ensure I opened it.
I am distraught that Joan betrayed me in this way. I have confided everything to Joan — we suffered the same abuse — and she broke my trust. I feel vulnerable and now dread collecting the mail because, once again, I don’t know what I will find. How should I approach Joan now? How can I forgive her and trust her again? I am devastated. Please help. — No Longer Hidden
I’m sorry this happened to you — all of it, including the abuse, the irresponsible way your mother handled the abuse, the general dysfunction in your family, and now the betrayal of your trust by your sister, the one family member you thought you could trust. You ask how you can forgive her and trust her again, and I’m not sure you have to do both. For your own peace and well-being, I do recommend forgiving her, and that can be helped along by considering the limitations she faces as a result of your shared abuse and the dysfunction she grew up in (and may still be intimately engaged in if she’s in regular contact with your mother/other family members). Therapy can also help you get to a point of forgiving her. And you can forgive her without necessarily trusting her again. The forgiveness is for YOU. The withholding of trust would also be for you, to protect your emotional and physical well-being.
Because Joan is still under the spell of your mother, it’s clear you need to create stronger boundaries with Joan. That may mean not speaking to her anymore, or it may mean only speaking to her superficially and never sharing any details with her that you wouldn’t feel comfortable with your mother knowing. If you feel there’s literally nothing you can say to her that you wouldn’t want to be shared with your mother, the answer is to cut off Joan completely. You can do that with love though, even if you can’t guarantee that Joan will perceive it that way. (Remember, you don’t have control over other people’s perceptions, thoughts, or actions; you can only control your own).
Here’s a sample script you could use with Joan that will help couch your point in love and forgiveness: “I love you and while I forgive you for sharing my address with our mother, it was an enormous disappointment to me and has caused me undue stress and emotional turmoil. I do believe you only had loving intentions, but you betrayed my trust and the repercussions will take a toll on me indefinitely. The lack of protection we had as children has made me hyper-vigilant to protect myself as an adult now that I have agency to do so. Remaining inaccessible to our mother is one of the best ways I’m able to do that, and I can’t let anyone threaten my ability to do so, which is why, going forward, I will have to limit my communication with you.”
As you know, family dysfunction and all the tools employed to manipulate and control loved ones don’t disappear once children become adults. The fucked-up dynamics of a fucked-up childhood still exist, and when those dynamics threaten the security you’ve built for yourself as a grown-up, sometimes the answer is to avoid them completely. It’s unfair, I know. But you have to prioritize your well-being in a way your family has always failed to. You’re one of the lucky ones though – you recognize this and you can do it, despite the continued pain the loss of such relationships creates.
