BLOOMINGTON, MN — According to sources inside Ballroom C of the Bloomington Hyatt, area sales director Mark Nellis experienced a “spiritual near-death moment” Wednesday after a corporate workshop facilitator uttered the phrase, “Now, let’s turn to the person next to us.”
Eyewitnesses report that Nellis, 38, immediately froze, his eyes darting toward the man on his right — a smiling stranger named Brent, who already had his hand extended in the universal gesture of unwanted enthusiasm.
“Oh God, he’s an icebreaker guy,” Nellis muttered, calculating whether it would be less painful to fake a phone call or spontaneously combust.
The speaker, who described herself as a “leadership alignment coach,” instructed attendees to “share something unique about themselves.” Nellis reportedly felt “every molecule of serotonin evacuate his body” as he prepared to reveal that his most unique quality was hating everything about this exact moment.
When the speaker cheerfully announced that the group would “return to these conversations later,” witnesses confirmed Nellis’s spirit visibly left his body and hovered near the complimentary danish tray.
At press time, Nellis was seen scribbling in his notebook, “Next year: online seminars only.”
