My boyfriend, “Carl,” (age 47) and I (age 32) have been together for nearly five years. We met at work, and for the first three years we had to keep our relationship private among our colleagues because I was in a position where I was not allowed to date co-workers. But our relationship has not been private to our families and close friends, and for the past two years I have worked somewhere new, so the privacy hasn’t been an issue. I only mention this because we barely see each other — maybe once a month — and I understood it more when we worked together while now I don’t as much, and it’s a big problem.
We are both single parents. Carl has shared custody — every other day and weekend — while the father of my two kids is non-existent. Carl has a ranch three hours away that needs to be tended to every weekend, so he only wants to spend time with me when I can get a babysitter for the entire weekend and go with him, which is very hard to do without family nearby. Carl has two jobs and averages 60 hours of work between them. I also work full-time, and I manage all the kids’ activities, further limiting our time together.
We text everyday, all day, and talk on the phone at least once a day. We live twenty minutes apart and sometimes get the kids together, and we sometimes get a weekend together, just us two. I feel he is the love of my life and my best friend, and I know the feeling is mutual. But…I want to see and be with him more. In the past two years, we’ve probably only seen each other 12 times. We have discussed this several times, but we have no solutions. He feels spread thin and says he is doing the best he can, as am I. When we do see each other, it’s because I make it happen. He doesn’t want to live together until my kids are grown-ups, his words. And while I don’t necessarily disagree, I can’t help but feel that I’m the only one who wants to spend more time together. There’s always some excuse or reason why he can’t spend time with me, and I’m scared there always will be an excuse. I don’t know what to do, or if I’m just “wasting” my time on a future that will never be there. — Needing More Time Together
If you’ve been together five years, have zero plans for the future (and maybe living together one day when your kids are grown-ups is such a vague, far-off idea that it hardly counts as a plan), and see each other an average once every two months and only when YOU make it happen, it’s safe to say that Carl isn’t really interested in the kind of relationship with you that you seem to desire. He probably really enjoys having someone to text and chat with during the day, but that’s it. He can take or leave all the rest of it. Actually, it sounds like he can pretty much leave the rest of it.
Maybe you are too close to the situation that you can’t see it for what it is, so I’ll spell it out: Carl has ZERO interest in your children. Like, none. He’s not inviting them to his ranch, he only wants to spend time with you when they aren’t around, and despite having his own kids and only living twenty minutes from you, it sounds like he hardly ever cares to get your families together, which would be a convenient way for you two to actually spend some time together. You know what else would be a great way for you to spend time together? Each of you getting a babysitter and… going on a date. Is he not willing to do this? Well, then maybe your children aren’t the only people he’s not terribly interested in. Maybe he’s just not very interested in you either. If he were, he’d see you more than once every two months, period. There really isn’t an excuse to justify TWO YEARS of seeing you as minimally as he does. The truth is, it’s not a priority for him because you aren’t a priority for him. You are so much lower on his priority list than his ranch, which he makes time for all weekend, every weekend.
So, in answer to your question: Yes, you’re wasting your time. But more than that, you’re wasting your energy. There’s no future here. There’s no present either. This is just a texting friendship. If you want more than that — and why wouldn’t you?! — move on already.
