I have been with my boyfriend, “Luke,” for over six years. When we met, I was in my late 30s and in a transitional place in my life, having left my partner – the father of my daughter – after 15 years. I had a rough marriage, including daily mental, emotional, and often, physical abuse. I struggled with addiction to cope and I was incarcerated for a few months, before deciding I could turn my life around, and utilize my college degree, abilities, and talents.
I had only been sober for a few months when I met Luke, but I was earning enough to provide for me and my daughter while living with my dad. Soon, Luke asked if my daughter and I wanted to move in with him. He had bought the house with his ex-wife and furnished it with his ex-girlfriend after his divorce. My daughter and I moved in with him and I moved most of my stuff into a storage unit across the street, hoping that I would eventually get to bring some of my furniture and belongings in.
I found a career path and have risen to the top of my profession, managing a team and earning six figures. I’ve come a long way from where I was 10 years ago – not just financially, but more importantly, my daughter and I have a close relationship and she can trust and count on me.
During the two and a half years that we’ve been living here, I’ve given Luke so much money on a monthly basis that I basically pay his mortgage payment, and he still hasn’t made space for me. I don’t even have a closet. I look at the furnishings that he bought with his ex-girlfriend every day and see my storage unit across the street and sometimes cry because I don’t have a home of my own.
Luke says that he likes the way his house looks and that me giving him any more money will not buy me any more space. Yet, he continues to take up more and more space himself, buying things at auctions and installing a large slot-car racing track. I am trying to make meaningful improvements to his house to make it more livable for me, like remodeling the bathroom and the kitchen. But we don’t even have a dishwasher, and that leads to fights between us about the dishes.
I have lost my spark and become depressed. I feel lost and like I don’t have any dreams or goals anymore. I thought that we would start over and buy a house together and maybe get married. He said that he was going to propose to me, but I got “weird,” and I don’t smile like I used to. I’ve also become very messy because I don’t have any room here to organize my stuff.
We have been browsing new homes, but they are never enough for him. I just want a neutral space for us to start over without the furnishings and paint from his ex-girlfriend. And I want a dishwasher and a dresser in or near my bedroom.
Despite all of the negative things I have said about his house, Luke has a lot of good qualities. He is a very kind man. He is gentile, patient, witty, and fun. He feeds the birds, rescues animals, and is always there for anyone who needs him. My family and my daughter love him. I’m afraid if I move out, I will lose him. We have traveled together to Europe and a few trips around the US. We still make good memories, but this house situation is tearing us apart.
What should I do? — Needing a Home of My Own
Your letter is similar to yesterday’s from a woman who had recently left her husband who took her for granted after five years of her doing everything around the house, taking care of HIS kids, and never being made to feel like a priority in his life. The difference, of course, is that you haven’t left your own misogynist yet, and you should.
Your misogynist – Luke – may very well be nice to birds and animals and he might “always be there for anyone who needs him,” but he’s not there for you and he’s not very nice to you. It’s not nice to accept an entire monthly mortgage payment from you every month without even giving you so much as a closet to keep your clothes, let alone equity to build your credit. It’s not “nice” to expect you to smile for his comfort and enjoyment while actively contributing to the depression that has stolen your spark, your happiness, your smile. It’s not nice to continue buying shit for his house while telling you there’s no space for any of your belongings. It’s not gentile or patient or witty or fun to deny you a fucking dishwasher and then fight with you about dirty dishes after a meal that I’d bet my left foot you probably prepared.
I am so sorry for the trauma men have put you through – your abusive ex-husband and now Luke, and who knows how many before and in between, like any men who helped raise you to believe that the kind of behavior you’ve been subjected to is okay. It most certainly is NOT okay. It is not okay to accept payment from a woman and supply abso-fuckin’-lutely NOTHING in return. Not equity, not a closet, not a dresser, not a dishwasher – not even a good time. I bet Luke doesn’t even pay for your storage unit you’re forced to rent because he can’t move his ex-girlfriend’s crap out of his house to make space for you.
You deserve better than this. You deserve to feel cherished, appreciated, and loved fully and unconditionally. It doesn’t seem that you realize this so I hope you will consider therapy to help process and heal from the trauma you’ve experienced so you can move on and build upon the positive things you’ve created in your life despite all the challenges. It’s my hope for you that you heal so damn much, you kick Luke and his like to the curb and never ever again settle for less than a partner who values you 100% for who you are and not simply how you can make his life easier. In the meantime, I want you to know that you can – and should, oh you should! – move out and still experience whatever it is you find to enjoy about his Luke. You don’t have to live with someone or pay his mortgage to be in a relationship with that person.
And if paying Luke’s mortgage and washing his dirty ass dishes IS the condition upon which your relationship can exist, that should tell you everything you need to know about where you stand with him. If you moving out and re-claiming space for yourself – space you deserve, can afford, and have more than earned – is enough to make Luke want to break up with you, let him, because he was only dead weight dragging you down and keeping you from being all you can be. Luke is the reason you’ve lost your spark. Luke is the reason you’re depressed and can’t access your dreams and goals anymore. He has you convinced your dreams don’t matter, and they do.
YOU matter. Your dreams and goals and happiness matter. You are deserving of space. TAKE UP SPACE. Show your daughter that women are just as deserving as men of space and dignity and respect and JOY. Model for her what might have saved you trauma if it had modeled for you: women can reach their highest goals when they free themselves of the misogynists dragging them down.
