My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six months and he has an ex with whom he shares a son who is almost 13. We plan on getting married, but we have a few things to work on…like boundaries with his ex.
They have been apart for ten years, but he still invites her on his family vacations and they planned a family vacation to the Bahamas this May. My boyfriend’s whole family is going — it is a 25-year anniversary party for his sister and brother-in-law. He did invite me to go, but I’m not able to. I have never met the ex. She calls constantly (not about the child), she posts messages and pictures on his Facebook, and she texts sometimes at 2-3 AM. My boyfriend does not see a problem with any of this. He tells me that he is not attracted to her and they are just friends.
They were planning on sharing a cabin together on the ship with their son and I said no, he needs to get his own room. I don’t think she should be going on family vacations with him and his family at all. She spends holidays with his family and travels to see my boyfriend’s sisters and brothers that are out of state.
I told my boyfriend that if he doesn’t tell her that she is uninvited on the cruise to the Bahamas, we are over. I think this is a deal-breaker. And I told him that he needs to set boundaries with her. He says he wants to talk to a counselor first before he makes any decisions on this. He also thinks that she may become vindictive and try to take him back to court for more child support. It sounds like he is scared of her.
We fight about this daily and I need some advice. Am I being totally ridiculous? I am also jealous she spends time with his family and I don’t. I think the family needs to set boundaries, too, when we get married…if we get married. — A Few Things to Work Out
Why on earth are you discussing marriage with a man you’ve been dating a handful of months and with whom you argue on a daily basis?! This is not anywhere close to the point you should be at in a relationship for marriage to be an appropriate next step… or even an appropriate topic of conversation. When people say they have a “few things to work on” before getting married, they might mean figuring out what kind of wedding they want or whether both parties agree on what house to live in; they don’t usually mean that “we fight every day about how much his ex should be present in his life and involved with his family.”
Obviously, this goes well beyond having a few things to figure out. Your boyfriend’s life is intertwined with his ex-wife’s and you aren’t comfortable with it. A lot of people would be uncomfortable, and I think a lot of people would appreciate their ability to stay a family for their kid’s benefit. If you don’t want a man whose ex is included in family gatherings, you’re with the wrong person. Your boyfriend’s hesitation to “set boundaries,” is a pretty strong indication that he doesn’t feel the need for them. It’s you who does, and rather than twist this whole family into your set of boundaries, you’d all be better off if admitted you aren’t a match, this is a deal-break for you, and you move on.
A few months ago, I started dating a really great guy. We were polar opposites, but I still found a way to “click” with no effort. I was the happiest I had been in a very long time; we had a great time together and we seldom fought.
About three weeks ago, he told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship because he had “a lot of personal things to figure out before he could love someone.” It was hard on me because it came out of left field. However, we decided to remain friends (as we had only been together a short while), and we still talked almost every day. When we did communicate, he was usually the one reaching out first. Recently, he has been reaching out more, and we just spent an entire day together jumping from one activity to the next (batting cages to drinks to dinner to driving around admiring beautiful homes). He made several comments about “doing this again,” and the entire day I felt like there was still something there between us. He’s also not the type of guy to play games or string me along. It didn’t seem like things were any different than when we were dating. I’m not sure if I can be misreading things. I have never stayed friends with an ex before; therefore, I don’t know if he’s just being friendly, versus pursuing me.
I just don’t know if I should say something to him or just see what happens? — Polar Opposites
The “personal things [he needs] to figure out before he [can] love someone” likely signify whether he’s ready to rule out sleeping with and dating multiple women. He realized you were getting close to wanting to be exclusive and he was not. Rather than “string you along,” he told you a half-truth — that he has things he has to figure out before he can be in a relationship. The rest of the truth is that now that he knows you aren’t expecting a commitment from him, he’s happy to keep dating you and maybe even being intimate, but he’s also doing that with other women, too. If you’re cool with that, carry on. If you’re not, MOA.
