My mother and I have never really been close and she stopped parenting me altogether when I was 11. We reconnected, and she broke up with her boyfriend of ten years who had abused me. Less than a year later she reconnected with a friend from high school, and less than three months later they got married! Only about another three months after that, he passed away from liver failure due to alcoholism. It’s tragic, I get it, but I feel she had to have known he was sick.
It’s now a year later and I’m getting married to my boyfriend of seven years. We have a 1-year-old, and my mother is supposed to watch him at the wedding, but all she’s talked about is how wedding-planning is making her sad. I really just want to uninvite her or tell her to suck it up. I know these are bad options, so tell me what should I do. She called me this morning telling she might have to be airlifted off the boat we’re getting married on because of anxiety!!!! I now don’t trust her to watch my son and am cancelling my honeymoon since she was supposed to babysit. Am I wrong to feel this way?— Can’t Trust Mom
Look, your mom was a terrible mother to you, right? She stopped parenting you when you were 11; it took her years to break up with her boyfriend who abused you. Even years later, since you’ve reconnected, she continues to make life choices that reveal questionable judgment (marrying a sick alcoholic after a 3-month relationship with him, for example). Why would you trust her with your 1-year-old while you go on vacation?
I’ve known people like you before who sort of forget all the reasons someone shouldn’t be left in charge of their babies/young children because it simply isn’t convenient to remember those reasons. Childcare can cost a fortune. You really want to go on a honeymoon. Here’s your mom you’re reconnected with and she’s a preschool teacher, so she could watch your child – her grand baby — while you go away! Except, oh yeah, she was a terrible parent to you and continues to make questionable life choices that reflect bad judgment. So, no, she is not a good choice for a caregiver in your absence. In fact, you should never, ever leave your child alone with her.
Is there another family member or close friend who can watch your child at your wedding? Someone on your boyfriend’s side if not yours? If there isn’t, hire a babysitter. If there isn’t anyone you trust to leave your child with while you go on a honeymoon (not your mother!!), don’t go on one. Or bring your child with you. Once you have kids, your travel life changes. You sacrifice things when you have kids. A traditional honeymoon is one of those potential things if you have a kid before you get married.
As for uninviting your mother to your wedding, if you do that, you will again be estranged. Do you want that? Or would you prefer to have her in your life at arm’s length (I would not advise getting closer than arm’s length; she is still the same person who stopped parenting you at 11, after all)? If you don’t mind being estranged from her again, then, yes, tell her you don’t want her at your wedding, that her constant focus on herself and her sadness and her anxiety is not something you want ruining your wedding or the planning of it.
If you would like to keep her in your life – and it’s really OK and understandable if you don’t – tell her that you want her at your wedding, but from here on out you won’t be sharing the planning process with her and you’ve found someone else to watch your child so that, if she needs to be airlifted off the boat, you’ve still got childcare coverage.
